


The Ass Creed

by Poptartsss



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, Crack Fic, M/M, an entire fic about asses, they take booties very seriously, what is my life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-05-09 22:23:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5557787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poptartsss/pseuds/Poptartsss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For centuries the Ass Creed have formed an order of the most perfect and powerful booties. Ezio Auditore, famously having the best butt in Italy, is committed to using his extraordinary assets for good. Many are envious of the incredible glutes of the ass-assins, and Cesare Borgia is no exception. The flat-assed conqueror will stop at nothing to misuse the secrets left behind by Altair, and would go to drastic measures to achieve his goal. Butt not if Ezio can help it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Carpe Natibus

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little aside-- this is completely and utterly the spawn of a tasteless inside joke, that assassins are all about that ass. Enjoy!

In his young adult years, Ezio Auditore was remarkably well-known throughout Italy for his beyond expectation assets. For years, he had had admirer after admirer that would stare and be tantalized by the wonderful butt that he possessed. They gaped as he passed, eyes locked in his direction to make sure they could get a pleasant view the ravishingly refined walking piece of ass that was the greatest ass-assin to come out of Florence. Ezio knew this, and always feigned surprise when he was told by his brothers that a crowd of bypassers would look over their shoulders to sneak a peek at his gluteus. He found amusement in their gasping and whispering,  _What wonderfully tight pants!_ , and  _Who is that man?_ ; all things said on a daily basis.

Ezio merely smirked and taunted.

From the day he vowed to his father that he too would become one with the ass-assins and take the oath of the Ass Creed, Ezio had been grateful. He no longer had to bear the burden of wielding a glorious arse on his own. All his youth he had thought himself to be too gifted, that he had been an outsider for having his magnificent behind. His older brother and his father both had the Auditore Family curse of a capital bum, so he took comfort in knowing that he was not completely alone. When he joined the Ass Creed, it was like a big sigh of relief that he could accept his booty for what it was-- glorious.

Grateful for all the satisfaction of being an ass-assin brought by the creed, Ezio made a personal vow to see to it that he would expand the order. Ezio had always been in search of the best to bring into the creed. His tutelage would only go so far as to raise the right sorts of butts into the order and condition those people to accept an observation that has been repeated by the ass-assin's since the great beginning;

 _Nothing is true,_  
_Every ass is permitted._

The Ass Creed had been flourishing in a golden age of bums and booty's galore, until the day the Borgia's would not have their arse-based reputation dwindle to a lower status. Cesare sought out Ezio, and played every trick in the book to lure the Ass-assin out to him. He called Ezio a fraud, insulted his behind, outlawed tight pants; ANYTHING to draw forth his enemy. Having enough of the rambunctious royalty's affairs, Ezio finally allowed himself to be summoned. He purposefully wore his tightest pants in spite of Cesare.

"Ezio Auditore da Firenze… the Master Ass-assin! The booty that EVERYBODY is talking about."

Cesare strutted about his rooftop balcony where the two had met up. He was clad in some-what tight leggings that barely highlighted his cardboard-flat arse, ones that any noble should likely be ashamed of.

"Enough of your antics, Cesare. You have so desperately called me out, now tell me what it is that you want from me." Ezio belittled him, annoyed and regretting actually being beckoned by the jealous bigot.

"You know damn well what I want, ass-assin! Tell me, tell me your secrets!" Cesare screamed foolishly in a desperate wail of animosity.

"I thought that message would be clear," Ezio smirked and leaned casually over the balcony fence, making sure his perfect butt stuck out from his robes, taunting. "Every ass in our order is ~natural~."

Cesare grimaced, rage boiled in his eyes, a feverish red dawning on his face.

"Auditore, I swear to GOD if you do not reveal to me the secrets left by Altair on perfect butts, your order shall suffer! I shall bring my wrath about them as if it were the APOCALYPSE!"

Ezio casually wiggled his behind, pouting, unamused. "You can't have it,  _culo piatto_."

Cesare broke down crying out, wailing, and stomping. "THE BORGIAS WILL NOT BE DISGRACED BY A BAND OF PETTY ASS-FLASHERS!" He punched at a wall, "Our asses are worshiped! Our booties are the greatest in all of Italia! Of the WORLD! No low-life, scoundrels with tight pants will surpass that!"

Ezio only smirked. He could offer a few more words to further pester the raging Templar. Cesare just stared with distaste, gripping at the gun by his side.

"Perhaps one day, Cesare, you will finally see the truth about your own arse." Ezio began to climb onto the railing, "The truth that you, or any member of your family, cannot possess the power brought by a wonderful ass."

With these last provoking words, Ezio dodged a bullet that Cesare had fired and leaped a great distance into a haystack on the outside of the castle walls, smirking the whole way down. Cesare stomped over to the railing to watch him go, raising his fist in the air,

"IN TIME I WILL KNOW YOUR SECRETS, ASS-ASSIN!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _culo piatto_ \- flat ass  
>  _carpe natibus_ \- seize the ass


	2. The Brotherhood Cannot Deny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviving this old, goofy story because I can. Enjoy!

 

"Ezio, you are back!" the happy and familiar sound of Leonardo's voice rang throughout the _La Volpe Addormentata_ inn.

Many drunkards, gamblers, and buffoons clowned around the bar and gambled their hard-earned _florins_ away on assorted games throughout the den. The few ass-assins hanging around noticed their Mentor walking in and attempted to make themselves look slightly less drunk. Those who could, took advantage of Ezio walking by and gazed in wonder at his butt. Leonardo masked his aggravation towards those who stared so dauntingly. Ezio smiled while coming over to his favorite person in Italia, dodging chortling fools along the way.

"Leonardo, my friend." A welcoming embrace made Ezio feel right where he belonged. Ezio returned the affection with a playful pat on the bum, as was a tradition in the Creed to do to friends and brothers.

Leonardo put his hands to the ass-assin’s shoulders. "What was it that Cesare sought you for? Although, I do have a vague idea already," he hinted at Ezio's extraneously tight leggings that garnished his bum underneath his robes.

"As usual, my friend, your deduction is  _motto bene_ " Ezio waved Leonardo over to an empty table in La Volpe's back room where they went to sit. "The 'all-mighty general' of the Templar Booty army is fiercely jealous.”

"Oh? He feels inferior?" Leonardo snickered, gratefully accepting a drink from an ass-assin trainee. Ezio graciously accepted the drink as well and nodded at the ass-assin in thanks.

"Not only that, he aggressively seeks out aid from me, expecting me to reveal secrets of our order. If he takes me for a charitable foe, then surely he is wrong." Ezio takes a sip of the sweet wine, savoring the fruity taste after a long day of running around and straining his precious behind-muscles.

Leonardo laughed, "Charity has always been a quality of yours, Ezio, so perhaps he thought of it to extend to himself as well."

Ezio chuckled. His smiled slowly vanished as his thoughts collected,

"The only thing that worries me most, Leonardo, is that he brought mention of Altair's secrets. Knowing the ass-assins have some secrets to their butts is common knowledge, but to actually know about Altair's is another story…" Ezio stared into his drink, trying to think of a course of action.

Leonardo glanced consolingly, "He is an irrational man with a fancy for reputation. His desperation far out-weighs his intelligence. The Brotherhood cannot deny his ambitions. I fear if he is not given any information, he shall turn to senseless allies."

"Leonardo, I know not what I would do without your wisdom." Ezio took a quick sip of his wine, "He threatened to bring an apocalypse on our order. He is a fool."

"What else is new?" Leonardo smiled lovingly. "He may be the Templar Booty general, but he will never have the tactical wisdom to launch a successful attack on the ass-assins. Your bums are  _far_ superior to theirs."

Ezio always found comfort in conversation with Leonardo. He always knew just what to say. He had been a friend since the days he still lived in Florence, and he will always have a place in Ezio's heart. After gazing with admiration into Leonardo's eyes for a few moments, he mustered up the will power to leave his lover's presence for a few moments.

"I must seek counsel with La Volpe. If it is an attack Cesare plans to launch, then I must do everything in my power to make sure that we are prepared. Even if it is not successful, I shall not jeopardize this order." Ezio explained.

"Yes, very good." Leonardo spoke, "Just as a proper leader should do. I am still working on the schematics for a new machine, as well as upgrades to the hidden blades, so I suppose I shall be seeing you later tonight?" He phrased it as a question, unsure if Ezio was too preoccupied and not wanting to demand his attention at such a vital time.

"I intend to." He masterfully wrapped an arm around Leonardo's waist and reeled him in for a sweet kiss, making Leonardo swoon.

Parting from his love, sliding his arm down, and grabbing Leonardo's hand Ezio said, "I shall see you tonight,  _mi amore_." and planted a kiss upon his hand. He took his leave, making sure to smile one last time while staring into those beautiful blue eyes that Leonardo had.

Ezio turned out of the back room and heard his lover mumble from behind him,

" _Ah, dio mio._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Motto bene - very good  
> Dio mio - my god

**Author's Note:**

>  _culo piatto_ \- flat ass  
>  _carpe natibus_ \- seize the ass


End file.
